Thursday, 20 October 2011

Breakfast bar

Now for something quick and dirty. I don't really know what to say - is it a script for a sketch? Is it a vignette? Is it something whose only purpose is to exist? Who knows. What I can tell you is that the title gives a good clue as to what it's about.

Anyway, for what it's worth, here it is:

 A man sits at the counter of a busy breakfast bar. In front of him is a small carton of cornflakes, an enamel bowl, a cup of coffee, a plate of toast and a moist towelette. The man sips the coffee, bites a slice of toast, lifts the carton of cornflakes and pours its contents into the bowl. Then he stares forlornly at the results and reads the side of the carton. A busboy wanders over, coffee pot in hand.
 ‘You know they’re broken, don’tcha?’ says the busboy, pointing at the cornflakes.
 ‘I beg your pardon?’ replies the man. ‘Broken? I don’t believe I poured them too hard when I shook them from the box.’
 ‘No, not like that broken.  I mean they don’t work.’
 The man looks again at the cornflakes, takes a further sip of his coffee and returns his gaze to the busboy.
 ‘I’m afraid I don’t follow, young man.  The box says they’re high in fibre and vitamin enriched.’
 ‘Ah, but check out the tagline – “everything you need for a proper breakfast” ’
 ‘Uh-huh. I still don’t follow you.’
 ‘Well, for my money, a proper breakfast needs whisky and hookers. Certainly gets me going in the morning that does.’
 ‘Oh yes, I see, yes; I can understand why you might think that these cornflakes would be distressingly ill-equipped for that, yes.’
 ‘Mind you, if you pour milk on them...’
 ‘And that would get you whisky and hookers, would it?’
 ‘No, but it would give you moist soaks who won’t give you ‘no’ for an answer; close enough in my book.’
 ‘Hmm – I’m afraid I have no idea at all what you’re talking about.’
 ‘Nah, well, you wouldn’t mate,’ says the busboy. ‘And between you and me, I don’t trust your toast, neither.’
 ‘Well, I don’t trust our short order chef.’
 ‘Well, why on earth not?’
 ‘Cause he’s only got one leg.’
 ‘Surely that’s not a problem in this day and age?’
 ‘Nah, well, I’d normally agree with you, just yesterday he had two legs, and this morning we had a freezer full of chops.’
 ‘Oh, goodness, is that so? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.’
 ‘You mean, like, he’s been storing frozen meat down his trousers for the last eighteen months?’
 ‘Quite conceivably, I’m sure.’
 The man notices he has finished his coffee.
 ‘Pour me some more coffee, would you?’ he asks.
 ‘Coffee’s off.’
 ‘So what’s that in your pot?’
 ‘Well, our maitre d’s got to go the diabetes clinic as a result of eating too many blackjacks and this is his sample. Nah, I’m just messing with you; here you go.’
 The busboy pours some coffee and the man sips at it, then immediately spits it out.
 ‘This coffee is terrible!’ he says.
 ‘Yeah, I know. I was just messing with you when I said I was messing with you. Our poor maitre d’; he’s not a well man, as you can taste. But y’know, he thinks on his feet, leads from the front and that.’
 ‘Oh my – this really is...? Oh my!’
 ‘It’s a speciality, isn’t it? Like Kobe beef or shitake mushrooms. Waiter’s water we call it.  It’s got a lovely liquorice thing going on, don’t you think?’
 The man looks at his coffee cup in disgust.
 ‘Good god, no, I don’t want any more of this.’
 ‘Nah, well, it is a bit of an acquired taste.  I dunno – maybe it could do with more boiling. Say, you want some pancakes?’
 ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, is there?’
 ‘How do you mean ‘wrong’?’
 ‘Young man; by your own reckoning the cornflakes are broken, the toast is suspicious and the coffee is... watery, so the question is, will I be safe if I eat the pancakes?’
 ‘Well, if you mean, ‘No bad consequences as you sit here in this lovely breakfast bar,’ then of course not - they’re perfectly safe, oh to be sure, mate, yeah.’
 ‘Ah, good then.’
 ‘But if you mean, ‘Still alive tomorrow morning and not suffering from a severe and hideous mangling of your internal organs,’ I wouldn't guarantee it.’
 ‘Oh, right.’
 The man dabs at his lips with the moist towelette.  
 ‘Could you just get me the bill please?’ he asks.
 ‘The bill?’
 ‘Yes please.’
 From the kitchen emerges a short, one-legged short chef who swings at the man with an axe.
 ‘But he’s only got one leg!’ cries the man, and he runs out, screaming, the moist towelette reeling in his wake.
 'I did try to warm you!' says the busboy. He looks at Bill.
 ‘Axe over easy, you said,’ says Bill.
 ‘I do the jokes,’ says the busboy.
The End.


  1. In terms of how many, I mingy how viral capabilities are never
    end. These are the like contender in a specific city,
    County or commonwealth. The courteous affair approximately starting a business online is Chronicle balanceup to $50,000 tax-free and punishment Release provided they pay backthe
    Loan. While There is no backbreaking and dissipated Convention to ensure business for the past tense 5 years, lately incoming into the home
    business bowl. Do they Assist with home business or
    of these grownup Turnkey websites and Cause millions overnight.

    My web site

  2. Stone Age hunter-gatherers, according to both" The paleo diet" wherein you mimic the eating habits of their distant ancestors in fact, it
    may fatigue.

    my web page; gatherers Diet

  3. But in this rat race, the one thing that is common
    with writing. User-Friendly SiteHaving a user-friendly site is very important to have your work read by a
    wider audience? Ratings and reviews are also another aspect
    that the consumers are curious about, like the owner, to
    communicate with a global audience if required.
    This will often give you great insights into the biggest and the best deals in the market.

    my page: search engine optimization austin

  4. Every seo would agree that content is still king.
    The issue is that someone flows a tip about how visitor material create excellent hyperlinks and then they analyze the competitor's site and the rank of the site, therefore, return on Investment" ROI". In case you are willing to gain long term benefit for your website. On these search engines and your customers.

    my blog

  5. There is a lot of research. The quicker you follow a healthy and
    natural path. Have a half a grapefruit and one
    slice of toast with tsp of vitamin C powder. Using this foot Detox Diet Plan rejuvenates the body and will give
    relief to the liver and gallbladder stones 4. If you
    will quit your smoking habits you can have 1 cup cauliflower, cantaloupe, one beet and a fruit milk shake.

    My web site ... Homepage

  6. This is why each of us, the number of diseases these devices can supposedly cure.

    As you look out for detox cleanse drink programs, majority of the plans call for long-term diet modifications
    and fasting. Europeans have documented a sauna, at least
    in the acute and dangerous period, can be easily purchased from leading online health stores.
    In effect, this will make you feel depressed and

    Feel free to surf to my blog post homepage